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What is it about me?

Jan 12, 2009

What is it about me that makes people so drawn to me? My entire life I have never had a problem making friends, and people seem to just gravitate toward me in many ways. The problem is, I really do not hold myself in that high of regard, and I generally lose just as many friends as I gain, just as quickly as I gain them. What’s worse is, I really don’t mind. Some people choose to have highly active social lives and always be surrounded by friends, and others do not. Is anyone actually “wrong”?

Lately I have been on this growing trend of alienating myself. Everyone is annoying and everything is an inconvenience. I truly enjoy a quiet weekend at home with my girlfriend and my dog more than any other activity in the world. Am I an introvert? Is there something unhealthy about this behavior? I can’t help but to feel that I am somehow wrong in what I am doing.

As a little background on me – All through high school I had a very tight-knit group of friends consisting of about 10 people. We were always out doing crazy stuff. I had a very fun-filled and active childhood, and adolescence. College was even better. I had tons of friends, was always out doing something crazy. I partied my ass off. Once I graduated and got a job I basically went into a totally different mode in my life. The mode I have been in for a while. I don’t use any drugs, I get drunk maybe twice a year, I only party on majoy holidays, and in general, I just love to relax. I barely answer my phone because I don’t want to be “bothered” and I rarely sign onto instant messengers anymore.

Strange thing is, I am completely happy with my quiet and uneventful life.

What I am wondering is: Am I actually happy with my calm life due to having “been there done that” when it comes to an overactive social life and partying, or am I misleading myself and I am not actually happy at all, and my solitude is merely a symptom of some sort of deep-rooted depression? I have no idea, and I wish I did.

I would hate to realize the wrong thing later on in life and have no friends to turn to. I started thinking on this subject late last night for some reason. Maybe it was after I had an argument with a friend, maybe it was after watching The Basketball Diaries. Either way, I am begining to wonder, why do so many people adore me so much, and why do I push them away.

I know that as a friend, I am a very good person. I realize I do have many good qualities, but I also feel I probably have more bad qualities than good. Why do I deserve so much love in my life? Why am I so hell-bent on being totally independant and nearly alone? I think I have abandonment issues.

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Posted in: Life

Comments (5) Trackbacks (0)

MJ on Jan 12, 2009 - 14:21:53

I think that you’re experiencing a pretty normal mid-life shift, but our generation doesn’t really have that nuclear family to settle around usually at this age, so they’re settling around themselves. I know more guys our age who’d rather chill at home than being out partying every weekend– we’re getting too old for that shit. Try to remember the thing about friends being part of a tree, leaves that blow away, branches that seem sturdy but will break if you ask too much of them, and roots that will be there for you even when you fall, and I think you’ll realize that you won’t be alone when you’re a crochety old geezer– you really are a good person and a good friend, and you probably have more roots than you realize.
That said, you totally have abandonment issues.
MooGoo on Jan 12, 2009 - 23:45:13

I’ve found that the more I isolate myself, the more people seem to want to hang out with me, and want me to “come back”. Conversely, when I’m actually around for extended periods of time, no one gives a shit anymore.

It’s probably not actually true, considering I’ve not been around for over 6 years now. I’m not sure why you constantly feel that relaxing, not partying, is somehow bad. How much time in a day do you spend doing stuff you would really rather not do. Sometimes it is nice to do what you want and not worry about what the consequences might be.

Maybe in another 10 years you’ll be back in a partying/socializing mood.
werkkrew on Jan 13, 2009 - 12:18:22

Yeah, I suppose its not so much that I do not enjoy my time alone, doing what I want to do, it is mostly just that I feel guilty as if I should be doing something else…
Bill Roberts on Jan 14, 2009 - 12:47:27

well i thought it was just directed towards me, its nice to hear your viewpoints. Me myself i am trying to hold on to the quality relationships in my life after being isolated for almost a year.It would be nice if you returned a call every now and again but no worries.
Norm A. on May 14, 2009 - 09:02:02

Fearlessly Explore Your Beyondness.
Allow Your Awareness to transcend mere thinking.
Dangle in Your Pure Existence.
Sense Your Presence in PRESENCE.
Experience Your Limitlessness in Benevolent Universe Limitlessness.
(Ewwhhh, Toxic proximities fade beautifully.)
Your New Perspectives will bring the New Perceptions that are Your Pure Essence Manifesting.
Start In Your Stillness of Stillness.
Try it; You’ll like It!
Existence is Benevolence and Benevolence Is Existence. Simple. Magnificent Fun, Too !!!

Blessing to All,

Norm A.